What racist on this Earth would make a pie like you?
You know the Nazis were known for their strudels.
Nike doesn't do things
like other brands do things.
I'm Eva Robles.
You're the kind of athlete Nike wants to fashion our future with.
The kind of star worthy of a building.
$30 million for five years.
You say anything other than "we're in" and you're dead, Reg.
And Da Chen Bao, he's flying 7,000 miles to sit with you.
That's like the Nike of China. They deserve a serious listen.
Look at this shit.
First rule of watching porn... do it in private.
I'm not watching porn.
Second rule... stay off the Wi-Fi.
The government's watching.
It's Adina. She sent me a message.
She's like Count Dracula.
Lie in a coffin for 100 years and then wake up for breakfast.
What'd she write you?
Not what I was hoping for.
You actually hoping for something from Adina
after all this time?
For, like, what, some Flo Rida CDs back?
No, man, I was hoping for something like,
"I'm sorry. I fucked up back then,
made the mistake of my life."
Mm-hmm. That's all there.
See, when your ex writes, "What's up?"
That means she's apologizing
for someone she don' fucked back in the day.
You need to learn how to read the subtext.
Hey, can l... can I have some privacy, please?
Yeah, in your house.
You're in my motherfucking house.
"Coming to Atlanta. Can I see you?"
Just 'cause she's coming to town don't mean I'm gonna see her.
Oh, so we just lying to each other's faces now.
Okay, I'm finally going to night school to get my G.E.D.
Shit, I was there for the breakup.
I know what she meant to you.
I'm good. Let's just forget it.
Don't you forget about the plot in "Terminator 2."
Your past is your past
and your present is your present.
And once you bring that past into your present,
the next thing you know, liquid metal robots
is on a mission to kill your unborn son.
Adina is liquid metal.
Don't fuck with it.
Ripped By mstoll
So, uh, you gonna prep me or not?
Yes, yes, yes, yes. His name is Da Chen Bao,
but we call him Bao, okay?
Call him by his last name.
Bao's his first name, it just comes last.
What kind of first name come last?
- That's how they do it in China. - Man, we ain't in China.
We in Atlanta where the first name comes first,
the last name comes last and everybody know what the fuck.
We are citizens of the world now.
Say it with me, Bao.
- Bao. - Mm-mm. Bao-o.
Bao-o, Bao-o.
Bao-o, like you're gargling water.
- Do you say O? - Reggie.
Hey, Bao.
- Cam. - Bao.
Please call me Chen.
Thank you for coming all the way from Shanghai, Mr. Chen.
Well, I'm up against "Nike."
David did not slay Goliath on Skype.
I like him. He says "Nike."
I know they pronounce it "Nikey", but it's N-I-K-E.
- Does my grandmother ride a bike-y? - No, she does not.
It's pretentious to name your company after a Greek goddess.
As we say in the halls of our company, "Fuck you, Nike."
But disparaging your opponent is not the graceful path to victory.
If "Nike" wants to name their company after a small-breasted teen
who took it in the seat from Zeus, mazel.
It seems to work for them, huh?
But will it work for you?
At "Nike," you will be one of many, but at Da Chen Bao,
you will be our only American basketball player,
the centerpiece of our brand.
And I can offer you something "Nike" cannot...
1.2 billion Chinese people
to whom you will be not some acorn-tittied goddess
but a towering Chinese god.
I'm also offering five years and $40 million
plus a 6% equity stake in our company,
so that's not bad either.
Mm, what dead animal shall we feast upon, huh?
Oh, Kobe beef. We'll name a steak after you, too.
I heard of "Nike," I heard of Under Armour.
I ain't never heard of no Da Chen Bao.
Massive brand, famous in China.
Jackie Chan is famous in China.
Don't mean a kung-fu movie is ever gonna win an Oscar.
Jackie Chan will fuck you up.
Chen is offering us $5 million more than Under Armor
- and $10 million more than "Nike." - I smell raises.
Most importantly, Chen is giving us equity,
which means Cam will make money while he sleeps.
Man, that's a black man's dream right there.
That's everybody's dreams.
The American dreams, Chinese dreams.
Klingon dream.
I seen a whole "Star Trek" about that shit.
Okay, listen, right now we new money.
Going with Da Chen Bao, it sets this family up
so that one day we will have old money.
Why is old money better than new?
Because the bills don't stick together.
Because it means that the new money lasted.
It compounded, it dynasted.
- Is that a real word? - It is now.
Ma, if Reggie says that this is the way to go,
then this is the way to go.
- All right, let's celebrate. - All right.
And then we're gonna go to bed early,
make ourselves a few hundred thousand extra.
I might not get out of bed till Thursday.
Wait, sleeping more doesn't mean you make more money.
No, baby, that's what Reggie just said.
Hey, I just seen your face scrunch up
in a way that I only know Adina can scrunch your face up.
Tell her to fuck off or I'm gonna overtake your phone
and I'm gonna do it myself.
Uncle Julius, I'm just thinking about the deal, okay?
Tying up the details.
Look, let's go get something to eat, okay?
I'll get the Zantac.
This term sheet is a thing of beauty.
Are you sure you didn't go to business school?
Well, I may have tagged a couple in my day...
- Harvard, Babson. - You covered everything...
incentives, minimum guarantees, perpetuity.
- I've got nothing to add. - Mm.
Except that I am aroused.
Oh.
Glasses on or glasses off?
- Uh, glasses on. - Oh.
You good?
Usually your eyes are as big as cartoon characters' by now.
So, guess who is the latest ghost...
...to show up in my inbox?
- Adina. - Who's Adina?
- Yet another cousin? - My ex.
Oh.
Uh, I thought I knew all the exes.
- I never mentioned her? - Not that I recall.
She just said, "What's up? How's it going?"
You know when an ex asks, "How's it going,"
she's really asking,
"Can it be going back into my pussy?"
I gotta join a book club, learn how to translate subtext.
So who is this girl who's gonna be on your mind
while your dick's in my mouth?
It's a fair question.
She's just a Dorchester gal, baby.
I shouldn't have even brought her up.
- Can we go back to... - But you did.
What, is she, like, the one that got away or something?
No, she's the one who got caught fucking another dude,
which is fortunate for me
because she would've been a nightmare of a wife.
Do not tell me you were engaged to her.
Okay.
Some of us in our family
may still be wondering what our job is.
We got a special one for Reggie.
- Adina's in town. - What?
Cunt-dina's in Atlanta?
Normally I disapprove of the word,
but when a cunt is a cunt, you gotta call a cunt a cunt.
Why does everybody keep coming down here
and finding us in Atlanta?
Because we're rich now, okay? This is where we live.
Hurricane Adina's in town. The storm is brewing.
Time to tie down the livestock,
take a shit, and head to the cellar.
Julius, why the fuck would we take a shit
and then head to the cellar?
No bathroom. Just a bucket down there.
You wanna pinch one off before you take shelter.
One more sip of this and I'm gonna shit right here.
This juice is like a liquid plunger.
Wait, now Adina does know that he's with Missy, right?
No, no, Missy is a wife.
Adina is a gonzo super freak
whose piranha pussy swallowed Reggie whole.
And even after her pussy spit him back out,
he begged to crawl back in.
Well, we just gotta take the pussy teeth out.
And if Reggie needs for his aunt
to drag that bitch down Peachtree Street
by her skank-ass hair extensions,
I will gladly answer that motherfucking call.
You drag her right in the middle of the street, Ma,
and I will run that cunt bitch over in Cam's Aston.
I forgot what happens when I put a quarter in you two.
Get you all wound up
and you start throwing "cunt" all over the place.
Let me talk to her myself.
Don't wanna get Cam's Aston impounded.
You know, that's my car, too.
- All to you, Cam. - You got us all the money.
How's it feel kicking the world's ass like that?
- Oh, the world had it coming. - Yes.
- Eva. - Congratulations. Fucking Bao?
- He goes by Chen. - We're raising our offer to 35.
And I know I don't have to tell you that once Cam's
in a Nike spot or two,
other advertisers will be more than happy
to make up the difference.
Eva, I'm curious. If you were willing to go to 35,
how come you didn't do it last week?
Because willing to isn't the same thing as having to.
Last week, we didn't have to. This week, we do.
You don't strike me as a negotiating rookie, Reggie.
And I'm guessing you know
that his offer includes a 6% equity stake?
We're a publicly-held company.
If you want equity,
you're more than welcome to take that $35 million
and buy Nike stock on the open market.
May I place you on a brief hold?
Are you the puppeteer or the puppet?
- $35 but no equity. - What do you think?
Equity makes you a boss, paychecks make you a worker.
Eva, thank you, but we're going to Chinatown.
Okay, Reggie.
Wish you the best.
I'm sure we'll be seeing you around.
Well, until that time, Eva.
- I hate disappointing women. - That's what God made men for.
But you were smart there.
Long as we don't burn the check for 40.
Thank you for having my back.
Hey, just doing what I was put on Earth to do.
Let's order some steaks.
Can't, I gotta meet some of Missy's friends.
Blow 'em off.
Man, they probably don't even like you.
We'll celebrate tomorrow. Congrats.
All right, man. Are you good?
- We've been here all of three minutes. - I'm best, baby.
Hey, another one of those, you call Uncle Julius.
I said to him, "I may look like a hen,
but I'm really a rooster."
- You are not a rooster. - I am the rooster.
I find it hard to believe you ladies never told me
Reggie was engaged before.
I am far too self-involved to be tracking
who Reggie used to like and who knows.
- It was a lot of years ago. - He was engaged to her.
Being engaged where we come from
don't mean what being engaged where you come from means.
Yeah, where we come from,
a guy takes you to Red Lobster twice,
you're engaged.
Shit, three times, you married.
Was she pretty? What?
You're just so sweet, Missy. "Was she pretty?"
Isn't Missy sweet, Ma?
Yeah, Missy's made out of a nice mold.
So she was.
I mean, she was stacked, you know.
And fit, sharp, and, like you, very smart.
I won't lie, Reggie didn't date nothing but the best in our neighborhood.
But he wanted to get out of that neighborhood
for a reason and one of the reasons
was to meet a girl as thick as you.
I keep telling you,
if you would let me go down on you, I would.
- I'm reading recipes over here. - Sorry, Ma.
Top me off with that champagne, please.
I just wanted it a little lighter right here.
Your hair looks real nice.
Only till the humidity sets back in.
After that, it's back to Questlove.
Can I be with you in a second?
When I was 20,
I took a semester in Spain
and I met this guy named Renaldo.
Renaldo.
That's just Ronald with an O.
He loved me from down the street and around the corner,
and soon enough, I felt the same way.
Only worse.
Was his last name McDonaldo?
Okay, I'm just... I'm sorry. Please continue.
I'll skip the middle and go to the end
where I wound up at the airport crying,
and the next term, my grades went from As to Cs
and I almost had to leave school
because I was thinking about harming myself.
It was 723 days...
I counted...
before I went one without thinking of him.
Fuck Renaldo.
We all come to the table with a past, Reggie.
A résumé, if you will.
Some of the stuff we put in bold
and we brag about in the interview,
some of the stuff we omit
and hope no one asks us about it.
But we all have to remember how lucky we are
to be where we are now, alive, in love,
and not standing in some other bathroom
trying to pee with someone else.
Okay, I'll try this later.
I'm like a 90-year-old man.
So, you've been asking about Adina.
I just want to know more about you.
Missy, in my world, there was no Spain.
There was just, like, eight blocks.
You'd look around, you couldn't believe in God
or country or fairness
or even if you would be alive the next day.
Couldn't believe in anything, couldn't trust anybody
except for a very small group of people,
and Adina was in that group.
And then, in one second, she wasn't.
Now, I'm embarrassed
that her reaching out, it rattled me.
And, yes, some of that rattle, it comes from heartbreak.
But most of it, it comes from the betrayal.
Now, I had omitted that
in hopes that no one ever asked me,
but you did.
So, now, not only do I have to pee,
I also have to take a shit,
so I'm gonna go downstairs to see if I can do both.
I love free shit.
I think this ensemble is equally at home
courtside, poolside, casual dining side.
Ha! Reggie, you are doing everything right, baby.
- Thank you. - Yo, look at this fucking thing.
This old piece of shit-ass. Look. Come on, man.
- What happened? - What, the Taliban get you?
No, I wore 'em to practice and the first hard cut,
my foot went right through.
My baby is still growing. I knew it.
I got a bunch of big laughs from my new teammates,
which is just what you want.
Coach's is talking about,
"Hey, Calloway, your new sneakers is talking.
They sayin', 'We suck!"'
Little brother, maybe you just got a lemon pair.
- These shoes suck. - Wait, what did you do?
Just jogged a little and rubbed one out,
which keeps me on my tippy-toes, but, still.
Yo, what the hell is this, Reg?
A problem. I'll get to the bottom of it.
You want to get to the bottom of it, put a pair of them on.
Just let me get some answers, Cam.
I thought you had all the answers, mogul.
Telling me that thanks to you,
I gotta play in these pieces of shit for the next five years?
- Thanks to me? - Great job getting the equity, Reg.
Too bad it's a shit-ass company.
Hey, take some of the bottom out your voice.
Excuse me?
I could've snapped my leg and ended my career.
I'm not a fuckin' sneaker engineer. I'm a businessman.
A businessman?
You a corner boy from the Dot
who got his break because I got a break.
And you're slick with words.
You know how to fake it until you make it,
but, see, I know that you're faking it.
And it's my fault, you know,
that I went with you instead of a professional.
I went heart over mind like a douchebag
wanting to bring my people along and you see what happened.
Heart over mind, huh?
I didn't know you felt that way.
Let me speak to you for a minute.
Yo, what are you doing?
That juice killer.
Almost had me mid-jog.
I don't know why they call it a cleanse.
It don't do nothing but make you shit.
They need to call it a shit bath.
Well, can we talk through the door, at least?
Sure.
Nephew/
Yes, Unc, I'm right here
on the other side of the bathroom door.
My other nephew's in trouble. Adina's in town.
Man, I knew something was up with him.
What the hell is she doing here?
Hopefully not fucking your cousin.
You gotta stop it.
I gotta?
I ain't got nothing to say to her.
You do.
You gotta wave that finger like Mutombo and say,
"Don't you bring that pussy up in here."
Just check to see if she's wearing a wire first
'cause them remarks can cost you, all right?
Now, clear out. I'm about to go surround sound.
It's not a quality issue.
There are 175 Chinese patents in these shoes.
You must've forgot the one that keeps the fucking things together.
Oh, ha-ha, funny, funny. You a regular Byron Allen.
Chinese patents. I bet those are real hard to come by.
"Excuse me, Mr. Chinese Patent Officer,
here's 100 'Juan'. Can I have a Chinese patent?
Yuan, you Philistine, not "Juan".
It's our currency not a Puerto Rican busboy.
Actually, I bet they are hard to come by
'cause you gotta go all around the world
- to steal the fucking know-how. - That's enough.
- Bet half of them are Nike patents. - "Nike," shit bag.
You sound like a man who wants to back out of a deal.
"Back out"? I want to "front out"
before Cam breaks his fucking neck.
Well, then go ahead and send your Jew lawyers
against my Jew lawyers.
But believe me, you've never seen a Jew lawyer
until you've seen a Chinese Jew lawyer.
Did you try these shoes on anyone?
I don't know any black people.
Fuck you, Chen. Fuck you.
Fuck you, too!
I didn't let a single, single detail get by me on this deal
and I wound up missing the biggest thing...
quality of the shoe.
I read the term sheet.
I didn't flag it and I did go to business school.
Fuck.
We're never as smart as we think.
That was an apology.
I should be apologizing to you.
No need.
Because when Renaldo comes to town,
I'm sure I'll be distracted, too.
Baby, Renaldo will never make it out of the airport.
This is Ching, our lead engineer.
He thinks he knows what it is.
Ching, speak please.
Hello.
I don't know what the fuck he just said.
He says it's the arches.
He thinks Asian feet might be flatter than Western feet.
That's because we use a lot of public transportation.
I know that may sound racist, but facts cannot be racist.
I don't care.
He says it's a simple question of mid-shoe support.
When Cam cuts, there's nothing withstanding
the force of the foot except the glue on the upper.
All we have to do is swap out the arches.
- And that'll work? - It's fucking physics.
It's a fucking fucked-up fucking shoe!
You'll have the prototype Thursday.
Cam'll try them and we'll see,
but our uncle's pair shit the bed, too,
and all he did was jog and jerk off,
so I'm not optimistic.
Hey, Adina.
Cam.
Wow.
On top of the world for real.
You could land a plane out here.
You got a plane yet, Cameron?
A long way from Boston, Adina.
You remember my mom. She was always so fond of you.
She came down to live with my aunt near Athens,
but then got a bad diagnosis
so I came to look into some jobs down here,
you know, to be around, help out.
I had to tell you this in person.
Reggie's got a life now
and a credit rating and a cellular plan.
And a wife.
He's good now, better than,
so please just stay away from him.
I intend to.
I only reached out to him out of consideration for his feelings.
To tell him that you were moving here?
You could've kept that to yourself.
This is a big city. Paths don't have to cross.
I reached out to him to ask him if he'd mind,
after all these years...
if I went with you.
- Properly this time. - Adina.
A long time ago, Reggie asked me not to tell anyone
that it was you he caught me with.
I kept that promise.
He didn't tell anyone either 'cause that's how hurt he was.
Did I make a mistake back then?
Yes.
Did I make that mistake alone?
No.
- I learned from that mistake. - I did, too.
I learned that sometimes in life
something right could be wrapped in a wrong.
Thanks, I'm gonna write that down.
But it takes years to see.
You know that it could've been more than just one weekend
because there was something deep
and meaningful happening between us
and we would've never stopped if no one made us stop.
Adina, we were young and selfish and stupid.
All these years, I didn't reach out because of Reggie.
But now with things happening with my mom
and me maybe being here,
you said yourself, Reggie's got his happy life.
Why can't we get a shot at ours?
Adina, please.
Cam, you know that if you and he weren't cousins...
We are cousins.
We're more than cousins.
It's time for you to go.
What the fuck?
Reg, I waited for you at that diner.
Adina, a smart woman leaves right now. Tonight, be smart.
Reggie, stop thinking what I can see that you're thinking.
- Reggie, it is not... - Get the fuck out.
Uncle Julius told me that she was in town.
I had him bring her here so I could tell her to stay away.
What the fuck you think texting's for?
In fact, they got an emoji of a big middle finger.
If you want to do it the long way,
you just type, "Go fuck yourself."
I was looking out for you. That's how it's done.
Where's the trust?
"Where's the trust"?
You fucked the trust seven years ago
and I thought that we would come back stronger,
smarter, better people.
But I guess I was wrong.
I say and do a lot of stupid shit.
Right now I got two things to say.
One is you did a great job on that sneaker deal.
Nobody could've seen that coming.
And I did not mean what I said.
The truth is, if you'd never met me,
you'd still be on top of the world.
I want you to know I know that.
The second fucking thing is, I'm sorry...
for now, and most of all, for then.
Apology accepted under one condition...
don't say it again.
We over that. We don't need to replay that.
We got future things to worry about,
unknown future things to regret.
We save our strength for that.
You know, before you came, she gave me a message for you.
She said you were the one that got away.
She said it was the biggest mistake of her life.
She'll make more.
Foot on the door, hook shot, bank.
Man, you're not gonna make that.
Hey, I hold a lifetime edge between you and me in HORSE.
3,178 to 2,359.
That is so sad that you know that.
The truth is sad sometimes.
You just gotta roll with it.
Ripped By mstoll